Twitter, the social media web site that has spawned one A24 film and too many meltdowns to quantify, is tumbling into its subsequent circle of hell with soon-to-be-implemented intensive monetization.
With a brand new $8 a month subscription to Twitter Blue, which can roll out after the midterm elections, you will get a blue verification badge (and different options) with out really verifying your identification and be instantly banned for pretending to be another person. New proprietor and CEO Elon Musk, the richest individual on the earth, whose comprehension of comedy dilutes to strolling into Twitter headquarters carrying a sink and meekly going, “Hehehe! Let that sink in!” says that his reign and bid for income won’t solely legalize comedy, however it’ll additionally “democratize journalism” by some means. Actually, he’s getting most of this from a Monty Python sketch.
However Musk might quickly be taking inspiration from pay-to-win video video games, too. On November 2, Musk responded favorably to recreation designer and gamification skilled Adrian Hon’s (sarcastic) Twitter thread describing “actual gamification” on Twitter, jokingly proposing Twitter add video video games options like “a Twitter Battle Cross, achievements, comfortable hour, streaks, and extra!”
Not everybody appeared to grasp that Hon was kidding, not even comedy skilled Musk, who mentioned that Hon’s thread had “some good concepts.”
G/O Media might get a fee
Effectively, if Musk is taking solutions from players, I really feel that I ought to supply a few of my very own.
Twitter Cash
I’m assuming Twitter will finally add a heads-up show to its homepage, indicating not solely what number of followers you may have, but in addition essential stats like complete time on Twitter or XP, kill depend (the variety of occasions a man named Bobby responds to certainly one of your benign tweets with a command to drink bleach), and your present load of Twitter Cash.
I’m suggesting Twitter Cash as an in-app forex you should buy for a beneficiant 3-to-1 ratio—$300 for 100 Twitter Cash—which can empower you to unlock extra of the vital Twitter Blue options I like to recommend under.
And I do know $3 for one Twitter Coin appears somewhat unfair, however how else do you count on Musk to repay the $13 billion in debt (not together with the $1.2 billion in curiosity funds Twitter is anticipated to make this yr) he owes after his $44 billion acquisition? By liquidating a few of his $208 billion web value? No, that makes an excessive amount of sense.
Class system
With Twitter Cash, you’ll have the ability to buy unique starter courses, together with however not restricted to:
Attractive With SunglassesMan With Zero Followers Who Believes Marshall’s Wiretapped His Samsung TVJournalist That Acquired Doxxed (And Laid Off)Girl With Zero Followers Who Began A Change.org Petition To Delay BTS’ Navy ServiceWoman With 15 Followers Who Began A Change.org Petition To Cease BTS From Wiretapping Her Samsung TV
Every class comes with its personal themed starter equipment—Attractive With Sun shades, for instance, robotically offers you 35 followers sporting sun shades of their profile image and a one-month subscription to a language studying web site of your alternative so you possibly can know say “soiled lady” a number of other ways.
These courses might be accessible for the low base value of 5,000 Twitter Cash, however you possibly can add invaluable add-ons like Reply Man (which has a negligible 30-minute cooldown time whereas he pores over your Instagram pictures for a touch of toe) for 500 Cash, or Viral Tweet (applies to any tweet concerning the yacht-centric actuality TV present Under Deck on Bravo) for 650 Cash.
By no means-before-seen avatars
When you’ve picked your starter class, it’s time to begin customizing. Musk is already contemplating including “cool stuff” to Twitter Blue subscriptions like animated banners, however I say he takes that concept one step additional with high-tech 3D avatars to make use of as your profile image.
Have you ever ever been to a jungle-themed restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe location? They’ve some superbly haunting tree frog sculptures. 3D Twitter Avatars will just about be precisely like that.
While you buy a Twitter Avatar for a paltry $50,000 value of Twitter Cash, you’ll be in command of all the pieces. That features facial options, physique sort, and whether or not or not your Avatar is sporting a t-shirt that claims “I Love the Music ‘Drive’ by Incubus” (I’m nonetheless engaged on clothes choices). Place your order and wait a meager 45 enterprise days for delivery. That’s proper, delivery.
Twitter Avatars are really 3D, molded and solid from the identical iconic metal and aluminum mix that destroys a Tesla instantly after coming in touch with a crimson mild. To hell with downloadable content material, we’re sooner or later! We must be crashing our automobiles much more typically.
To make use of Twitter Avatars as your profile image, merely take a photograph and add them. Sure, people, it’s that straightforward. Should you’d like, you possibly can complement your photograph with the Legendary Profile Image Bundle for 10 Cash per week. That provides a 40-seconds-long firework gif that pops up each time Musk’s content material moderation plan results in somebody getting swatted.
Importing a photograph prices 50 Cash. Additionally, you will have to DM Musk the phrase “You might be so genius and wealthy, papa” each fortnight or so to show you consider in free speech.
Please don’t forget to DM. Your Twitter Blue subscription might be instantly terminated and the financial institution will take your pets or your Funko Pop! assortment, whichever is value extra.
Secret ending
After spending at the very least $250,000 in Twitter Cash, you’ll be fortunate sufficient to unlock Twitter’s secret ending. I can’t provide you with too many specifics, as it’s a secret, however I can say that it includes chapter.
Now to get severe: it’s clear that Twitter’s pay-to-win future is looming. Are you prepared for it?
